


Desire

by The_Rose



Series: The Touch-Starved One [1]
Category: Warcraft - All Media Types, World of Warcraft
Genre: Drunk Character, F/M, Mildly Dubious Consent, Sex, Suicidal Thoughts, Touch-Starved
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-15
Updated: 2019-06-15
Packaged: 2020-05-12 10:42:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,573
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19227544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Rose/pseuds/The_Rose
Summary: In the middle of the night, Illidan desire only one thing, dying again. But the only person who could bring him his salvation can’t do it…Unless it was self-defense.





	Desire

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! I hope you'll enjoy it!

He always found it weird that once he had an idea on his mind, he wouldn't stop until he did it or that someone, or even something, stop him. His love for Tyrande; his plan to stop the Legion back in Outland; were his two biggest obsession at that time and both had been resolved with one simple solution.

His death.                 

And when he was craving death itself, it looked like it would always be the solution.

He wasn't craving the death of the demons or the Legion, not even the one of Sargeras. He was craving his own death. Since his return, Illidan only felt like an empty shell, only there to fight the threat that was the Legion and nothing more. Did they even want him back? Wasn't it just a confluence of events? He wasn't sure he wanted to fight anymore. Of course, he knew he wanted to do that all his life but right now, everyone else was doing great and he wasn't as needed as they made him believe.

It was all a lie.

He never thought he would want to die so badly one day. But taking his own life? He couldn't find the right way to do it. His demon could take the advantage and his body if he wasn’t fast enough and he was actually unaware how resistant he was. He never really thought that experimenting on his own body to find a way to kill himself would be useful one day. And he couldn’t afford both to be found and saved. Maybe the majority would let him die but his Illidari wouldn’t. He was lost and the need grew by the minutes.

Until he realized he knew exactly how to do it. Or who could do it.

Almost as if he got shocked, Illidan jumped out of his bed and quickly reached for the door. He had no time to lose now that he knew who would be his savior but first, he had to find her. As he tried to not run through the hallways of the Fel Hammer, he remembered hearing Khadgar wanting to talk to her so his first instinct was to reach Dalaran. Even if the Archmage probably talked to her directly on the Broken Shore, she would have ended in the city like always. Using his spectral vision to find traces of where she had been, his steps finally led him into the Citadel that over the last months, often became the refuge of lost adventurers searching a room for the night. There was no better place to find a wanderer like her. Illidan finally caught her sight and slowed down, taking advantage that she still hadn’t noticed him. Now the objective was to make it look like they met by accident.

And quickly die.

Maiev seemed lost, almost like she didn’t know where she was. Walking really slowly, one step at the time and a hand on the wall, as if she was needing help to keep her balance. She was looking at all the doors leading to empty rooms, most likely trying to choose one for the night. For a moment, Illidan thought it would be way too easy, she wasn’t even looking back even too she could hear his footsteps and if wasn’t trying to be sneaky. Now that he was right behind her, he took a deep breath, put his smuggest smile on his face and caught her helmet. She slowly turned around, looking at him almost like she wasn’t recognizing him.

“Illidan…What are you doing?” She asked, her voice empty of any rage, almost hesitating.

“I’m taking what I want.” He growled, slowly moving to put her against the wall. “Like I always do.”

The plan was simple: Forcing her into self-defense so she would just kill him. He already guessed that if she hadn’t tried anything since his return, it was because it was forbidden. But if he was threatening her physically she would have all the right to retaliate. He wasn’t caring about how far he would need to go until she fights back.

But it seemed that it wasn’t going to be that simple.

“You want…my helmet?” She asked, looking at the object in his hand, not caring that he was now barely a few inches apart from her.

The helmet fell on the floor, the shrilling sound echoed through the empty hallway when it hit the floor. With his newly free hand, he went right under her cloak and seized her ass while the other grabbed her chin and forced her to look at him. Her reaction was immediate. He got a knife on his throat but it looked more like a reflex than something she really wanted to do as there was barely no pressure on his skin and her hand was shaking. It surprised him as he thought she would have killed him as soon as he would put a hand on her. But it wasn’t going to deconcentrate him.

“No…What’s under.” He answered as he brought her crotch right on his and leaned for a kiss, forcing himself into her mouth, certain that she would now react.

But she did nothing, the knife leaving slowly his skin as if it was falling down. Worst, she kissed back. And even worst, he was now able to understand why she was acting so strangely. The smell of alcohol was now invading his nostrils and for a moment, he thought he would end up drunk only with the odor. It wasn’t what was planned, like at all.

 

“Warden Shadowsong, can I talk to you?” Khadgar asked, his arms crossed.

Maiev tried to repress her groan, perfectly knowing that if he was using her title, the conversation wasn’t going to be friendly. She waited for Illidan to be out of her sight before turning to the mage, ready for whatever he had to say, not even caring about it.

“I’m listening, Archmage Khadgar.” She said as she began to play with her crescent, moving it slowly.

“First, don’t try to intimidate me or it’ll be worst.” Began Khadgar, not breaking the eye contact with her. “Second, we have to talk about you and Illidan.”

“What did he do this time?” She growled, looking where he had disappeared, disgust all over her voice.

Khadgar sighed and pinched his nose, already regretting everything but he had to do it.

“No, the problem is you.”

“Me? Are you kidding? Me, a problem? He’s the one who makes the problems!”

“Maiev, do I have to remind you that you are currently a commandant of the army of Legionfall, in the same way as Illidan?”

She only groaned and Khadgar knew he was going straight into a wall with the conversation, but he had to continue, it had to be done.

“You have to be not only an example for our soldiers but also, we need to stay united against the Legion.” He added. “And having one of their commandant so openly aggressive with another, isn’t a good example.”

“We cannot trust him, he’s the _Betrayer_.” She hissed, almost spitting his title.

“I’ve got the situation under my control, I do not need your help for that.”

“We’ll see, we’ll see.” She ominously said, looking at the horizon.

“Alright, I see I need to be clearer.” Sighed Khadgar. “If you don’t change your behavior, I’ll be forced to send you away from the battlefront.”

“Me?! I don’t deserve to be sent away. It’s him!”

“Warden Shadowsong, if you continue, tomorrow you’ll be sent in Silithus and replaced.”

Her blood began to boil and her knuckles became white the more she clenched her fists. If they weren’t any witnesses, she would have thrown her crescent right to his throat. How dare he?! Didn’t he know who she was? What she went through? That she was just acting for the greater good?! It was enough. Without waiting anymore, she turned, her cloak swirling around her as a silent warning and she began to leave.

“Where are you going? This conversation isn’t over.” Shouted Khadgar.

“I don’t need a vulgar human to give me orders.” She retorted, leaving for good.

Not moving, Khadgar sighed even louder, rubbing his face. Why did he accept to lead the counterattack? He was still wondering. The worst for him, was that he didn’t want to get rid of Maiev, she was an excellent commandant and she was respected among the troops. Her only problem was that she was throwing shade at Illidan’s own command and it was always leading to problems. He really hoped that the threat of being sent away would have made her think a little but now he was doubting it. He decided to give her one more day, as maybe the night would help, but he was already thinking about who could replace her if needed.

On the other side, Maiev made her way to Dalaran, feeling the need to drink something growing more and more. She made her way to the “A Hero’s Welcome” inn, sat down and asked for their strongest alcohol. If it was going to be her last night in Dalaran, she wasn’t going to spend it sober. She also asked for the note to be put on Khadgar’s account. One good revenge.

Seconds transformed into minutes and then in hours. Her table was constantly full of empty glasses. The taste of the alcohol was comforting and she felt her body becoming numb at every glasses. It was better like that. As she kept emptying the bottles in heavy silence, her mind was a storm. She couldn’t stop ranting and having some imaginary conversations where she would finally spit some truth. And in her drunkenness, she cursed Khadgar but especially Illidan.

They couldn’t send her away! She was way more deadly than some of their champions. Could they blink? No, it was her thing. And Silithus? Really? That place was just dead. Even the Legion wasn’t going there. And why her? Illidan was way more problematic than her. Yes, maybe he was simply ignoring her when she would always make sure to comment on everything he was doing, but he needed someone to watch him. To be sure he wasn’t going to betray them, once again. She knew it was coming. She was feeling it.

But…If Khadgar was willing to send her away, was that meaning that she wasn’t important in that war? That if she came to disappear it would change nothing? That she was useless? Not needed? She tried to act like his threat wasn’t bothering her at all but in the end, it hurt her. She was nothing now. Nothing since the day she had killed Illidan and just spent the day, wandering aimlessly, pretending to have a goal. But she never got the courage to put an end to it. After all, maybe that Silithus wasn’t going to be that bad. She could stay alone there like she was always destined to be.

Maiev raised her head and looked around her, she was one of the last customer left and she felt the need to go to sleep. Her vision was blurry and she could feel her thoughts forgetting to be coherent. The only thing she was able to decide, was to crawl to the Violet Citadel, in search of one of those free rooms. And maybe that if she was lucky, she would wake up dead. She put back her helmet and left the bar, doing her best to walk straight even if she stopped caring about what the bystanders would think about her.

In the Citadel, she knew that she should have been surprised to see Illidan but the alcohol annihilated all reaction. She wasn’t even feeling there, it was like her mind went somewhere else. She was completely unbothered when he put her against the wall, she knew she could blink if needed, even if she never tried while being drunk. But the feeling of his hands on her triggered her reflex and, like she would have done in any case, she put the knife on his throat but she was losing her strength and wasn’t even able to push it in the skin.

And if she was killing him now, where would she end up? Surely somewhere even worse than Silithus.

But then, he kissed her and all her body jolted. When was the last time someone kissed or even touched her like that? Before or after the end of her duty in Barrow Deeps? Before or after the War of the Ancient? She couldn’t remember. As she felt her entire being craving it, she kissed him back, the alcohol making all her walls fall. The knife finally felt on the ground, next to her helmet, in a metallic sound that echoed through the empty hallway as she put her arms around his neck.

Illidan quickly understood his plan had failed. Maiev wasn’t at all able to kill him in that state and they were no use of continuing that masquerade anymore. With some chances, she wouldn’t remember it and he could try again in a few days. This time with more success.

But as he tried to break the kiss, he realized it was impossible. Not only was Maiev pulling him harder on her lips but his body was refusing to listen to him. He kept kissing back and his hands were already searching for a way to get rid of her armor. Her shoulder plates and cloak joined the helmet and knife on the floor and he felt the gauntlet brush against his back as they fell as well. The feeling of her skin on his was a burning sensation and he loved it. Her fingers found his hair and fiddled in it as he got busy untying the chest plate.

Somewhere inside his mind, he was scared. He had decided to give up on his idea to die for the night but he was still physical with her and every time he was feeling her bare skin, it was sending small electric shocks through his body. He was already hard and it was barely surprising him. After all this time of being alone, consumed by his will to annihilate the Legion, he deprived himself of physical attention, slowly starving himself. Now that he had a victim in his arms, he wasn’t going to let her go, no matter how much he would have wanted to. And this is why he was scared. His body was acting on its own.

As he heard the chest plate falling on the floor, it tilted in his mind that they were plenty of empty rooms just waiting for them. He grabbed Maiev, still not breaking the desperate kissing between them and he stormed into the nearest room. They crashed into the bed and Maiev lost her last strength, she fell on the bed and they finally split up. She barely got the time to catch her breath that Illidan was on her neck, kissing and even biting, just to have a taste of her. His hands quickly got rid of what was left of her armor, only leaving her in cloths and leather. A first moan escaped her lips as he kept savoring her all around her neck. His hands were desperately trying to get her out of the rest of the clothes and the more he was feeling her skin under his fingers, the more it was burning.

Maiev finally laid naked under him and his mind was blank. From times to times, her hands were brushing him: his face, his arms, his chest. Every touch scorching him. As they were on the edge of the bed, he buried his face into her neck, not even looking anymore, and began to get out of his own pants. Her arms embraced him weakly and his hands traveled to her hips, holding her.

_Stop!_

He heard himself, his mind, trying to reason with his body.

_Stop!_

He was screaming at himself. He couldn’t do that. He never meant to get that far.

_Maiev…Maiev kill me!_

He cried out, as he only became a spectator.

_Kill me before it’s too late!_

But she didn’t react, didn’t realized how distraught he was. Lost herself in her own mind, she stopped caring about everything. She wasn’t caring about her last day in the Broken Isles. She wasn’t caring she was naked. She wasn’t caring Illidan was doing what he wanted with her body. Nothing mattered anymore.

She let out a small cry when he penetrated her.

He began to thrust, holding her as close as he could. He was memorizing everything. Her smell, the feeling of her skin against his, of his dick inside her, the sound she was making, her warm. Illidan quickly got drunk from all the sensation and he needed more. He pushed her in the mattress, and thrust harder, faster, growling as he wasn’t even able to produce any words. Her arms were desperately holding his chest, trying to bring him closer as she wanted to feel his skin against her as much as him. He kept his face in her neck, biting her as hard as he was thrusting and he tasted blood. He didn’t even think twice before licking it.

“Illidan…” she whispered.

He opened his eyes and looked at her, under him. Seeing her smiling gave him the same result as if he had been punched right into the face. What was he doing? Why did he let it go that far? And why was she smiling? Couldn’t she realize what he was doing to her? And why was he still thrusting? Why couldn’t he stop? He wanted to stop.

Slowly, his mind changed from spectator to actor and he felt his reason getting back the control of his body. He softened his pace, gradually stopping until he got out of her. But he knew the damage was done. He clenched his teeth and repressed his need to hit the mattress again and again, tearing it pieces by pieces.

“Maiev…” his voice cried as he was looking at her exact opposite. “Kill me…”

“I can’t.” She only answered, whispering it.

“Yes you can,” he added, understanding that her refusal was most likely because she had been forbidden to do it. “Now you have all the rights to kill me.”

“I can’t.” She repeated, this time her voice cracking as tears began to flow. “I don’t want to do that.”

He wanted to look at her but he couldn’t face her, he couldn’t see what he had done.

“My life is a fucking mess.” She cried out. “I’m useless. Good for nothing! And even when my life gets some meaning again…I’m going to be sent away from everything only because I can’t express correctly how happy I am to see you again!”

She softly put a hand on his neck, making him froze as he wasn’t deserving to touch her again. Contrasting heavily with the burning from before.

“You were right. I’m nothing without you! Just a ghost wandering through the years.” She continued to explain, her voice cracking at every word. “But you were back and…and I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. I had a reason to live again, to stop pretending everything was fine. Everything should have been fine!”

“I shouldn’t have got back.” He whispered. “It would have been better for everyone.”

“Don’t you dare saying that!” She screamed, her face now completely wet. “I need you…I…I really need you. I don’t want to get back to what I was.”

Maiev put her head against him and continued to cry as Illidan felt the urge to hold her close, to cry with her. But he didn’t move, his desire to die bigger than ever. How could he even look at her again? How could he have forgotten she wasn’t an emotionless killing machine? That she has always been like him. He dug his claws in the mattress instead of just ripping off his face and he stayed still, ashamed of himself.

“I don’t want to be sent in Silithus.” She whispered. “I don’t…”

She quickly fell asleep, exhausted by everything, still holding him in a desperate grasp. He just kept laying down, regretting he would never be able to erase that night and what he had done.

 

The morning has been cold, windy. The sky greyish and green above them as a grim reminder of the imminent invasion of the Legion. Their troops were walking through Deliverance Point, talking, joking, showing their brand new weapons. They weren’t afraid of what could come.

It was like nothing had changed.

Illidan was looking at Maiev, his nails dug into his arms. She was doing her best to stand still, not moving that much, sometimes leaning against something discreetly. Maybe it was because he knew she had been drunk that he was able to notice it. But the worst, was that sometimes, he would see her trying to put a hand on her neck, exactly where he had bitten her, his spectral vision showing him her painful expression.

He only wanted to turn around and disappear but he couldn’t right now, he had to do something. He didn’t know what, but he was feeling it. Finally, when he saw Khadgar coming back, he had an idea. He quickly reached him before the mage could talk to Maiev, as he was obviously walking toward her, the annoyance already marked on his face.

“Khadgar,” Illidan intercepted, once he was sure he was far enough from Maiev. “You shouldn’t talk to Maiev right now.”

The mage only stopped and took a really deep breath, closing his eyes before facing Illidan, trying to smile.

“Why?” He simply asked.

“She’s clearly hangover, talking to her before a few hours isn’t the best idea.”

“First, how do you know she’s hangover?” Questioned Khadgar, really trying to not rub his face.

“Umm…It’s a Night Elf thing.” Lied Illidan, scratching the back of his neck, hoping it would pass. “As a human, you couldn’t understand but believe me, she is.”

At this moment, Khadgar only wanted to punch Illidan and his so-called Night Elf superiority. And maybe more Night Elf who looked down at him because of his race. But he did nothing and stayed concentrated on the subject that mattered.

“Well, looks like I will really need to sanction her now.”

“Wait!” Almost shouted Illidan, only to get Khadgar looking suspiciously at him. “I…I heard from one of my Illidari that you threatened her to affect her somewhere else, is that true?”

“Yes.” Admitted the mage. “We cannot afford a commandant aggressing another like that. We need to show unity or we won’t be respected by our troops.”

Illidan tried his best to not claw his skin to blood, clenching his teeth.

“I don’t see them question our, or even my authority.” Pointed out Illidan. “And as far as I’m concerned, I do have a word to say in this situation.”

“Well…I listen.”

“Sending her away would do nothing but lower our chances of getting rid of the Legion. She’s one of our best fighters and, yes, she’s really moody but everyone knows that and are used to it.”

He could see Khadgar looking at her, most likely thinking about what he just said. But he wasn’t done, he still had one last thing to say.

“And, knowing she’s here might be reassuring for a lot of people. Who knows what I’m able to? I could be that beast that needs to put down before doing more damage to my own kind than our enemies.” He added, bitterly, almost wanted to spit in his own face. “You don’t know. I don’t know. But that day, you’ll be happy she was always there.”

Now, he could feel a cold shiver in his spine, thinking he might have told a little too much and he was scared that Khadgar would ask more about that. And he was afraid he would tell everything out of guilt.

“Alright,” finally shrugged the mage, looking really tired. “I’ll wait a little more and see if she really becomes a problem. But she will have to get sanctioned. We need everyone to be sober here.”

“Can you really blame her? She thou…might has thought it was her last day here.”

Khadgar only kept rubbing his face, trying to understand why suddenly Illidan was caring so much about Maiev when he only had ignored her since his return. But it only gave him the beginning of a headache and decided to take a break. He needed it.

“I’ll think about that later.” He muttered before leaving.

Illidan almost smiled, smile that faded as soon as he turned and saw Maiev. How could he even smile in such situation? And the feeling of her body against him was still awfully present on his skin and he would have bet her form had been burned on him, marking his shame forever. But it was nothing, only his guilt. He sighed sadly and went to see her, hoping she would at worst accept to listen to him or at best finally killing him.

She was still clearly hangover, her arms crossed, trying to move the less possible while looking awake. When she saw him approaching, she only nodded as a way to acknowledge his presence. He never looked that defeated, his shoulders and wings down, his eyes set on the ground, not even a smile on his face.

“Maiev…I…I know it’s nothing compared to…to that night but…” he was hesitating, needing to swallow almost between every word, speaking softly so only she could hear him. “I talked to Khadgar and…he shouldn’t send you away.”

She almost uncrossed her arms.

“Thank you.” She whispered. “Thank you.”

Maiev put her head backward, taking a deep breathe, relieved.

“I don’t think I would have been able to survive somewhere else.” She explained, slowly putting her arms along her body. “Without…”

She left the word unsaid but Illidan saw her eye siding him and her words from the night came back. He still couldn’t understand how she could think she was needing him after what happened.

“I think…I would also do anything to die in that case.” She continued. “I did some things I’m clearly not proud in my life but I keep going because tomorrow will be another day and I do my best to change.”

She put a hand on his arms, freezing him instantly even if he was understanding what she was trying to do. Maybe she was trying to say she didn’t care about what happened but he couldn’t do it. How could he do it?

“So…Keep going. We have more important things to focus on.”

She took off her hand from his arm and she muttered something along the line that she needed some water and left.

He didn’t really know you to react and even if he knew the guilt would never leave him, he couldn’t let his desire take over him anymore. Especially that he knew that another life was now on the line if he had to die. And he thought that one of the only ways to make amends for his mistakes was to help her.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed it!
> 
> Next week, it's the next chapter of "The Betrayer And Her Warden." Stay tuned!
> 
> (Comments are welcomed and appreciated :D)  
> \----  
> Unfortunately, english isn't my first language so if someone is interested in becoming my beta-reader for the language, hit me up on my Tumblr!  
> Or if you just want to talk about WoW, my fics, someone else fics or anything, you can still hit me up there!  
> You can also find my Masterlist with all the fics I plan to write ^^ Don't hesitate to tell me which one you want !
> 
> https://thewritingof-therose.tumblr.com/
> 
> Later!


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